In the grand scheme of things one
voice does not seem very loud, nor to some, very important. At this time I am at a cross roads in my
life. I have made the top of my
perceived mountain, my focus in getting there resolute. My personal bubble, closed to outside
distractions. I am 36 years old. I have obtained the American Dream. Now what do I do?
Not all
persons can see beyond their dreams.
Most obtain the dream or closeness to the dream and are happy to have
made it that far. I cannot do that. I thought I might for an instant but
something else happened to me. Something
I cannot believe. I am now afraid.
In my
pursuit of my goals I put out of my mind all the worries that accompany you in
the world. I did not worry about
politics, nor foreign affairs, taxes, insurance, employment, the economy, or
much that did not affect my daily existence.
I was in control of all that affected my realm. I was in charge of my life. That has changed now.
The cause of
this change is multi-fold. The
realization that I have entered a part of my life where people that I know and
love will start dying was the first cause.
The next was the birth of my daughter.
Next are my employer’s actions during a down turn in business. Attacks on our perception of daily life
security sure did help shake up my world.
Another is the local law enforcement community’s inability to prevent
crime. Or, once a crime occurs, to
judicially resolve the offense. The
rational that allows school books to be assessed on weight instead of
content. The removal of governmental
controls on services that are needed for daily life while digging deeper into
my personal interactions with others mystifies me. My inability to purchase insurance because of
my weight but not by my minimal high blood pressure was an adventure in
wonderland. How much of what controls my
future is beyond my control is frightening.
It scares me that a populace (not to be confused with individuals),
ignorant of many necessary facts and manipulated by the media (remember the
group that makes more money when they have higher ratings.), is allowing
changes in how the Government perceives my Rights. Thus mass ignorance fueled by mass media now
controls the collective minds of my pears.
My voice seems might small in that vast forest.
I initially
tried to find now focuses to resolve my fears.
I started teaching others in an area I felt was important and that I
enjoyed the subject. I refocused on
secondary goals and projects that I had undertaken. I tried to ignore the areas of my fear. None of this has worked. Every time I see my daughter, every time
something terrible happens that I cannot do anything about, my resolution
crumbles like mud wall in a rainstorm.
It cracks, dissolves into its self, and then flows away.
I guess
this is when religious people throw their faith into God or what they believe
in. I do not have that faith. I cannot see the reality of placing it all in
another’s hands. It is just not my
way. My faith is that you live your
life. Then, if there is something after
your physical death, you will have to justify your actions. Perhaps the judge will not be anyone but
yourself. Most people are their own
worst critics.
So, my
defense against my fears is to speak and ensure others hear me. One lone voice yelling in the forest against
the wind and rains trying to be heard.
My rational is that if one does not speak, shout, or yell at the top of
their lungs that they are afraid, then we stand no chance of being heard at
all.
How will I
live with my fears? Daily, with
determination that helped me obtain the American Dream. It is now time to suffer the storms, watch my
walls crumble and know that I will get hurt.
For when I fall, I will yell into the rain. For if I do not, who will?
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