Online Dating

I decided a couple of months ago that I have been alone too long.  I need to put myself out there and see what I can accomplish.  Well, one monitoring of how women looked at me over a month told me; at least locally my chances were nill.  Even after getting all the damage repaired to me, I still don't feel women in the USA are viable.  So if not here, where?  It was then I remembered my brother told me after my divorce that all I needed to do was go to the Philippines.  I let that percolate a bit.  Then I started thinking about retirement.  Other than Social Security, I will have little in 9 years when I go to retire.  So where can I retire to that I can afford?  Unless I want to live in almost abject poverty, the USA is out.  YouTube provided loads of alternatives.  However, few had large populations that spoke English.  One country kept coming up, the Philippines.  The Philippines peso is about 56 peso to the 1 USD.  Overall costs for housing are about half for something nice and a quarter for something I can deal with.  The speak English in large numbers.  Medical care is a bit dodgy.  It is getting better.  Thailand is a closer better option for a doctor.  That said, medical insurance doesn't cost much in either place.  Food is inexpensive if you cook or eat local cuisine.  I cook and like the local foods.  Banking can be a pain.  That said, if you keep a USA mailing address and a USA international cell service the US banks normally don't cause too many issues.  That brings me to socialization.  Bonus, there is a large ex-pat community through out the Philippines.  That leaves companionship.  So, I paid for FilipinaCupid.  This is supposed to be "verified" profiles and specifically Filipina's. Within 3 hours I had over 300 responses to my profile.  This is a bad sign.  In the end after 2 months I have cancelled the membership.  I chatted with a couple of women.  All fakes and scammers.  While on YouTube, I ran across a Filipina interviewing other Filipina's about what they looked for in a foreigner and what their experiences had been.  After watching a couple of her video's, it seemed like a genuine feed.  She even offered to help find Filipina's to chat with about LDR for free.  This I thought was a scam.  After 2 months of online I figured "why not"?  I sent an email detailing kind of what my expectations were and what type of woman I thought I would like.  After 4 tries I believe it may have worked.  I'll give it a couple of months.  I'll ask questions designed to find lies and missing info.  If it works out then I have won the lottery.  If not, it isn't any different that chatting in the online forums.  I'll update as time goes on

2001-10-16 Complete Personal Intelligence Profile

 Complete Personal Intelligence Profile

            Your General IQ Score Compared To Your Thirteen Individual Mental Abilities IQ Scores

            OVERALL IQ 137

            ARITHMETIC 133

            ALGEBRAIC 137

            ROTE UTILIZATION 133

            LOGICAL 152

            VISUAL APPREHENSION 137

            SPATIAL SKILL 144

            INTUITION 140

            GENERAL KNOWLEDGE 137

            VOCABULARY 137

            SHORT TERM MEMORY 133

            SPELLING 133

            GEOMETRIC 129

            COMPUTATIONAL SPEED 132

            GRAPH BASE 116 

      General IQ Score

      Your General IQ Score of 137 shows how able your mind is in general. 

      Anyone with a General IQ Score this high is considered to be a genius. 

      Less than 2 out of every 100 persons would be expected to have a score 

      this high. All known occupations can be comprehended with a General IQ 

      this high. You should be able to handle any academic challenge. You scored 

      higher than your General IQ Score in 3 individual ability categories. 1 of 

      these better scores could be called significant and may indicate special 

      abilities or that you were distracted on those parts of the IQ Test that 

      counted more heavily in the other ability categories. 

      Arithmetic

      Solving many of the IQ Test's problems required the ability to add 

      subtract multiply and divide numbers mentally. Many mental tasks require 

      arithmetical operations even though numbers may not be involved and so 

      number manipulation abilities can strongly indicate general intelligence. 

      Your Arithmetic IQ Score of 133 is not significantly different from your 

      General IQ Score.

      This score is better than 98.12% of all persons taking this test. 

      Algebraic

      This is the ability of the mind to abstractly handle quantities and 

      qualities. Persons who are strong in this ability can more quickly and 

      more deeply understand analogies stories derivations equalities and 

      hierarchical structures. 

      Your Algebraic IQ Score of 137 is the same as your General IQ Score.

      This score is better than 98.28% of all persons taking this test. 

      Rote Utilization

      This is the ability to take a set of memorized facts and mentally extract 

      and/or operate with or upon the facts within the set that are pertinent to 

      the problem at hand. Persons with more of this ability can be expected to 

      spell well remember telephone and other numbers easily be more adroit in 

      procedural operations and have a stronger foundation for tasks that 

      require the use of memorized material. 

      Your Rote Utilization IQ Score of 133 is not significantly different from 

      your General IQ Score.

      This score is better than 98.12% of all persons taking this test. 

      Logical

      This is the ability to determine if a set of rules has been correctly 

      followed. This ability is most useful in combination with other mental 

      skills listed above. Those with strong logical ability are quicker to see 

      where a given set of conditions is going to lead have a strong sense of 

      justice and better understand--from an intellectual analysis--the benefits 

      of harmony. 

      Your Logical IQ Score of 152 is exceptionally higher than your General IQ 

      Score.

      This score is better than 98.88% of all persons taking this test. 

      Visual Apprehension

      This is the ability of the mind to mentally picture visual information and 

      to be able to extract portions of that information for separate use. A 

      person whose visual apprehension is strong enjoys a richer creative 

      appreciation of visually based events. 

      Your Visual Apprehension IQ Score of 137 is the same as your General IQ 

      Score.

      This score is better than 98.28% of all persons taking this test. 

      Spatial Skill

      Understanding what changes will occur when conditions vary is a deep and 

      powerful ability of the mind. All invention and creativity of every sort 

      is based upon this ability. Although test problems usually involve 

      manipulation of objects in space persons with a stronger ability to 

      spatially manipulate can also be expected to use this ability to be able 

      to better predict how social and psychological situations would change due 

      to variation. 

      Your Spatial Manipulation Skill IQ Score of 144 is not significantly 

      different from your General IQ Score.

      This score is better than 98.56% of all persons taking this test. 

      Intuition

      Intuition is defined as that ability of the mind to develop answers to 

      questions without consciously dealing with the problem at hand. Often a 

      question will provoke a mind to answer without using conscious processing 

      time and the answer is said to come out of the blue or suddenly it just 

      struck me. Of all the many abilities of the mind this is one of the most 

      often used. Just knowing what to do is often an automatic process that 

      occurs without much figuring out consciously happening. Those with 

      stronger intuition make less mistakes and can seem luckier wiser or more 

      mature. 

      Your Intuition IQ Score of 140 is not significantly different from your 

      General IQ Score.

      This score is better than 98.40% of all persons taking this test. 

      General Knowledge

      Knowledge that is casually picked up and remembered can indicate 

      intelligence because persons with higher intelligence will exhibit greater 

      retention of those pieces of information that are encountered less often. 

      Because higher intelligence allows a person to have a deeper appreciation 

      of the connectivity of facts that may seem disparate to others of lesser 

      intelligence memory of such facts becomes easier. 

      Your General Knowledge IQ Score of 137 is the same as your General IQ 

      Score.

      This score is better than 98.28% of all persons taking this test. 

      Vocabulary

      Knowing the meaning of words is an ability that directly increases along 

      with the increase of general intelligence. The meaning of a word is more 

      easily remembered with higher intelligence because it takes more 

      intelligence to understand and correctly use words based upon the subtle 

      differences between words with similar meanings and to comprehend 

      difficult concepts which are sometimes symbolized by a single word. 

      Your Vocabulary IQ Score of 137 is the same as your General IQ Score.

      This score is better than 98.28% of all persons taking this test. 

      Short Term Memory

      The ability to remember things for a short period of time allows the mind 

      to check back and retrieve facts needed to complete a problem solving 

      operation. This ability becomes more critical when problems have many 

      aspects that need consideration and/or need to be solved mentally. This 

      ability strongly determines how efficiently one handles the many aspects 

      of normal life. If your short term memory ability is strong you are much 

      less likely to seem inattentive or slow to get it to others. 

      Your Short Term Memory IQ Score of 133 is not significantly different from 

      your General IQ Score.

      This score is better than 98.12% of all persons taking this test. 

      Spelling

      The ability to spell can indicate general intelligence. Remembering a set 

      sequence of letters indicates the mind's ability to retrieve remembered 

      facts. Learning how to spell and use the words of a language is almost a 

      complete IQ test in itself. Although poor spellers with high IQ scores can 

      be found it is rare and in general--everything else being equal--the 

      better spellers have higher IQ scores. 

      Your Spelling IQ Score of 133 is not significantly different from your 

      General IQ Score.

      This score is better than 98.12% of all persons taking this test. 

      Geometric

      How well one can comprehend geometric relationships of lines sides planes 

      angles and topological properties strongly determines one's ability to 

      make sense of visual information. The strength of one's geometric ability 

      can strongly determine how quickly knowledge can be absorbed if it is 

      presented visually. 

      Your Geometric IQ Score of 129 is not significantly different from your 

      General IQ Score.

      This score is better than 96.80% of all persons taking this test. 

      Computational Speed

      If you can correctly solve a variety of problems faster than another 

      person you may be demonstrating a generally more orderly internal 

      arrangement of your mind's problem solving methods. While speed cannot be 

      the sole factor in determining overall superiority in mental tasks in 

      general faster computational speed will often indicate that a problem's 

      comprehension was more complete. With everything else being equal a person 

      with faster computational speed will be better at tasks that require the 

      synthesis of many bits of information. 

      Your Computational Speed IQ Score of 132 is not significantly different 

      from your General IQ Score.

      This score is better than 98.08% of all persons taking this test. 

      Methods of saving this report 

        If you bookmark this page, your profile will be available to you for the 

        next year at this web site. No one except you will be able to return to 

        this profile - unless you give them your bookmark URL information. 

        You can save this profile by printing it out - right now. Print it out 

        by using the printing options of your browser. 

        You can save this page as a text file. Your browser will allow you to 

        save it by using F)ile S)ave As...  Make sure that you select "text 

        file".   This method will not preserve the bar images. 

       

Web site created by Internet Business Solutions, Inc.

© Copyright Edg Duveyoung 1996-2001

2004-05-19 Where Do We Start?

 

Where Do We Start?

 

 

The understandings are few,

To comprehend the feelings of others unobtainable,

Truth

 

To hear another,

To feel another’s feelings,

To see with another’s eyes,

Pale

 

Things taken for granted,

Not appreciated or understood

Small deemed important

Large shuffled away, out of sight

Fact

 

Value

Honor

Integrity

Love?

All for sale,

Pain

 

Let us think for a moment

The Truth is not what the comfortable wish to see

People can only have a Pale experience compared to the real event

Fact is, facts are convenient to the powerful went it suits them

Pain is the result of greed, indifference, passivity, lust, envy and plain old hate

Only Love can open eyes, clear vision and bring the understanding of life’s lessons

 

Lets start at the beginning,

Love

2007-09-25 Where am I now?

 

Where am I now?

 

I am in favor of gun ownership being unrestricted. 

I am in favor of low taxes on middle to low income Americans.

I am in favor of high taxes on the top 30% of incomes in America.

I am in favor of high taxes on luxury items.

I am in favor of a fast food tax.

I am in favor of low taxes on healthy foods and needed family items.

I am in favor of a woman’s Right to choose.

I am in favor of anyone serving in the military being allowed to drink and vote.

I am against giving felons back the tools they used to commit their crimes.

I am in favor of making the prison system pay for its self.

I am against force bussing of children just to integrate a school.

I am against affirmative action.

I am against unions.

I am for stronger States.

I am for more restricted Federal Government.

I am for removing religion from all Government processes, forms, statements and actions other than allowing you to believe as you wish.

I believe that the land/property/things you purchase are yours.  No other persons have a Right to them.

I believe in yours Rights ending where another persons Rights begin except in very limited well defined situations.  These situations are the defending of your life or another’s life against an illegal attacker.  This is to include the ruination of your life; property and prospects by directly removing access to needed natural, medical or financial resources illegally.

I am for removing the ability to add a rider to a Bill.

I am favor of one Bill one topic.

I am for promoting those who are qualified and have earned the Right regardless of creed, race, religion or background.

I am for closing our borders.

I am for taking all illegal immigrants and giving them a choice, work and earn your citizenship by doing public services for 5 years while being monitored, housed and policed by the U.S. Government.  If not, send them back to where they came from.

I am for pledging allegiance to the U.S.A.

I am for a strong dollar.

I am for holding persons responsible for the stewardship of their Rights. This includes the responsibility for keeping their children safe, fed and secure; doing every thing they can to work and not draw unemployment or other services.  Being responsible for the storage and care of their firearms.

I am in favor of Government funded education through college.

I am favor of Government funded public transportation across the U.S.A.

I believe that the President of the U.S.A.’s job is to promote our country to other countries.

I believe that our armed forces should be protecting our boarders. 

I believe that Congress should be working to create internal unity and strength; increase industry; and protect our country for future generations.

I believe elected public officials should not make any money.  They should live in government provided housing and be cared for by the government while in office.  For their service they receive a sum for when they retire in Social Security based on service.

I believe that when there is an issue that crosses a lower level of Governments lines it is decided by the next highest level of Government.

I believe there should be no lobbyists.

I believe in Government provided health care.

I believe insurance should be illegal.

I believe only the person or their estate should be able to sue for the person.

I believe that election coverage is provided free and equally at no cost to the candidates at any governmental level.

I believe enforcement and defense of individuals Rights falls on the Federal Government.

I believe the Federal Government only gets involved in areas of interstate commerce, felony crimes and any land use issue that will affect another state or the long-term health and well being of our nation.

I believe a Federal Judge independent of the lower governments control should try any felony in a Federal Court.

I believe that a person becomes a person when it is born and functions independent of the host.  Until that time it is part of the host and subject to the hosts will.

I believe the day to day running of local government is the local governments responsibility.

I believe there should be no taxes on anything left to anyone when a person dies.

I believe welfare should be paid for by working while it is being received. 

I believe schools should have a basic level of educational accountability.

I believe if a school can add to its content by local assistance and gifts that it should.

I believe it should be mandatory that every land use planning commission be required to provide housing use plans that match the income of the people in their districts.

I believe that the U.S. budget should be balanced and paying down the debt every year.

I am against income taxes.

I am for high sales taxes.

I believe that an item taxed at the time of sale is exempt from further taxation until resold.

I believe that any taxes or fees should include the full life cycle cost of the item or service.

I believe that any construction once completed should have a zero drain on the environment.

I believe that the U.S.A. should not buy any fuel from foreign nations. 

I believe if the cost of energy rises by the demand created by not buying foreign fuels then the U.S. citizens will change the way the use energy.

I am favor of mandatory public service or military service by all persons living in the U.S.A. for a period of 2 to 5 years depending on service chosen.

I believe that our G.N.P. should be mandated 2 units sold to other countries to any 1 unit bought.

I believe power, roads, the cost of basic items needed for family survival, pollution, natural resource use and health care should be regulated and monitored by the Federal Government.

2002-06-06 To Those I Love And Those Who Love Me

 

To Those I Love
And
Those Who Love Me

When I am gone

Release me

Let me go

I have so many things to see and do

Don’t tie yourself to me in tears

Be happy that we had so many years

 

I gave you my love

You can only guess how much you gave me in happiness

I thank you for the love you each have shown

But

Now it is time I traveled on alone

 

So, grieve a while for me

If grieve you must

Then let your grief be comforted by trust

It’s only for a little while that we must part

So, bless the memories within your heart

 

I won’t be far away

For life goes on

So, if you need me

Call

And I will come

Though you can’t see or touch me

I’ll be near

And

If you listen with your heart

You’ll hear my love all around you

Soft and clear

 

And then

When you must come this way alone

I’ll great you with a smile

And say

Welcome Home

2004-04-12 The sounds of children playing DRAFT

 

The sounds of children playing near

Leaps and bounds in the carefree air

The sun is shining to the trees

It is a wonderful day to be free

 

No thoughts out of the spirit of now

No questions

No reasons

Just feelings abound

 

The joy of life is found anew

The spirit of children shining through

In open minded curious jest

Noble simplicity at its best

 

Perhaps there is something here

A fountain of youth standing in the clear

Relief of stress and strife

It is time to remember why your here

 

Life is short or long it seems

Depending on you dreams

 

Not hiding or peaking around

Unless the game is tag

 

Your it!

2010-05-25 Please Remember Me (Written just after Katrina hit New Orleans)

 

Please Remember Me

 

The storm was heavy

The river rose

Down came the levies taking us to Davey Jones

 

It isn't the heartache of those left alone

It is our memories engraved in stone

It's what we left behind that haunts us so

 

Family, children and loves unknown

There are things we've done or not yet known

 

It is the Life we had

It is all we know

 

Remember me

Remember us

Don't forget in times steady rush

Pause a moment

Take a breath

Remember me

Remember us in your Life that is left.

2002-10-18 Of Trees, Rain, and Wind

 

In the grand scheme of things one voice does not seem very loud, nor to some, very important.  At this time I am at a cross roads in my life.  I have made the top of my perceived mountain, my focus in getting there resolute.  My personal bubble, closed to outside distractions.  I am 36 years old.  I have obtained the American Dream.  Now what do I do?

            Not all persons can see beyond their dreams.  Most obtain the dream or closeness to the dream and are happy to have made it that far.  I cannot do that.  I thought I might for an instant but something else happened to me.  Something I cannot believe.  I am now afraid.

            In my pursuit of my goals I put out of my mind all the worries that accompany you in the world.  I did not worry about politics, nor foreign affairs, taxes, insurance, employment, the economy, or much that did not affect my daily existence.  I was in control of all that affected my realm.  I was in charge of my life.  That has changed now.

            The cause of this change is multi-fold.  The realization that I have entered a part of my life where people that I know and love will start dying was the first cause.  The next was the birth of my daughter.  Next are my employer’s actions during a down turn in business.  Attacks on our perception of daily life security sure did help shake up my world.  Another is the local law enforcement community’s inability to prevent crime.  Or, once a crime occurs, to judicially resolve the offense.  The rational that allows school books to be assessed on weight instead of content.  The removal of governmental controls on services that are needed for daily life while digging deeper into my personal interactions with others mystifies me.  My inability to purchase insurance because of my weight but not by my minimal high blood pressure was an adventure in wonderland.  How much of what controls my future is beyond my control is frightening.  It scares me that a populace (not to be confused with individuals), ignorant of many necessary facts and manipulated by the media (remember the group that makes more money when they have higher ratings.), is allowing changes in how the Government perceives my Rights.  Thus mass ignorance fueled by mass media now controls the collective minds of my pears.  My voice seems might small in that vast forest.

            I initially tried to find now focuses to resolve my fears.  I started teaching others in an area I felt was important and that I enjoyed the subject.  I refocused on secondary goals and projects that I had undertaken.  I tried to ignore the areas of my fear.  None of this has worked.  Every time I see my daughter, every time something terrible happens that I cannot do anything about, my resolution crumbles like mud wall in a rainstorm.  It cracks, dissolves into its self, and then flows away.

            I guess this is when religious people throw their faith into God or what they believe in.  I do not have that faith.  I cannot see the reality of placing it all in another’s hands.  It is just not my way.  My faith is that you live your life.  Then, if there is something after your physical death, you will have to justify your actions.  Perhaps the judge will not be anyone but yourself.  Most people are their own worst critics. 

            So, my defense against my fears is to speak and ensure others hear me.  One lone voice yelling in the forest against the wind and rains trying to be heard.  My rational is that if one does not speak, shout, or yell at the top of their lungs that they are afraid, then we stand no chance of being heard at all.

            How will I live with my fears?  Daily, with determination that helped me obtain the American Dream.  It is now time to suffer the storms, watch my walls crumble and know that I will get hurt.  For when I fall, I will yell into the rain.  For if I do not, who will? 

2008-08-08 My Belief

 

The music sings through me

The sounds flow though me like the air, but this time I can’t breath

Because the dancing has taken over me, but I can take it, I can catch my breath

 

It is here, that time will stand still, between the breath and inhalation of air

Feel the emotion held deep, down beneath your anger and repressed grief

 

Release it all at once

 

Shake the world with your air

Let the scream released bring the world to its knees

Then relax and let the emotions leave

 

Now there is a Needy, empty space there calling in its need

It longs for the strong and deep

To replace the space left empty by your grief

Open up your heart and let the love release

 

It is always been in side

Hidden by your socially trained beliefs

Forget what you have known

Open up your mind and feel your heart grow

It will grow to over flow the space left by anger and relief

This is the time you should let your feelings flow

No longer hide the beauty hidden down inside

All you need is the key

Not a lock of natural belief

The key is a thing that makes you complete

 

From here you are a star

 on your own, shining like a nova ready to explode

Just control you self and let your feelings show

Then the world that can see and it will bow its head with knowledge and belief

 

That that sun now shining is righteous in its release

What is released is love, natural and complete

A love that heals those in need

Perhaps bind the world in its heat, melting the cold and growing the plants we need to breath

 

Yes this is my belief,.   A belief that makes me complete.

2004-12-12 Motivation

 

The qualities that holidays try to reiterate are often lost during the other times of the year.  Here are some that are not mentioned very often.

Respect

Remember a little given at the beginning goes a long way.

Tact

Sometimes being kind, or not saying anything is best.

Ownership

If you never take control of your life, you will always follow someone else’s.

Understanding

If you understand where someone is coming from, it is much easier to communicate with them.

Pride

Too much can be considered a sin, not enough ruins confidence.

2002-09-18 More Thoughts

 

I have had an idea about some of the root of my insecurities came to me earlier this week.  The lack of having both parents earlier than my brother by 5 years is important.  My brother is much more self-assured, while I am riddled by doubt and uncertainty.  Perhaps those additional 5 years of support made a difference.  I do not remember when my parents got divorced.  I remember I was in Margaret Beaks Elementary School.  It happened just before or just after school started.  My brother says I was 8 or 9.  That may be correct.  I remember the previous year being lots of playing.  I think it may have been second or third grade.

            The reason for this train of thought is my daughter.  I notice how much she looks to us for support and comfort.  That seems to me that if we miss those moments, we erode the level of confidence she is building.  The balance point is when she can start understanding that she can stand on her own.  In addition to that, how to assess the risk of an action.

2005-09-11 Minds Eye Island

 

In areas of the soul it is sometimes necessary to open your mind and hear the other possibilities that exist.

 

That which you may have considered impossible, now seems probable.

 

That which then seemed absolute, now feels unsure and fluid.

 

The serenity that is sought has many paths, some more arduous than others.

 

In the end, only the true to purpose will survive the journey.

 

The rest will find compromise and consider themselves lucky to have come even close to the dream.

 

One thing is certain, each person while wanting the same things as another will consider only a small fraction of the impact they may have on the world around them.

 

Societies rule over individuals will override the ability to look beyond the limits of the shell of perception.

 

Thus, one must ignore the rules of society and remove the blinders of peers to see the glory of another path.

 

Once the veil has been lifted, the light of new ideas and thoughts will explode in a glory of inner light.

 

To illuminate your soul, turn on the light!

 

Now live!

2001-04-23 The creation of Societies One Person’s Thoughts

 

If man creates Gods and religions, and each one vies for members and power, how can the men that are supposed to represent these supposed to keep their faith?  The business like actions of religions to adopt holidays and reasons for holidays from other religions cannot represent a faith.  The faith should provide the holidays.  It should provide the meanings.  It should not adapt it’s self to another if it is the true path. 

            The true path should have a discernible source.  It should be traceable.  It should be believable without trying to market it.  Faith is not a marketable item.  It is an item that is felt from within.

            From what I see, man has a need to have a God or Gods.  The reasons I feel are very basic.  People (groups) need something to make them feel that it all has a reason.  By it all, I mean what happens to a person during their life.  It would be like a security blanket.  It certainly feels like a very cold place if it all is for nothing, if it all is happenstance. 

            Perhaps the “faith” needs to be in what a person can do to leave a memory or effect a change that will transcend them after they have died, to leave something behind that satisfies a need of humans to be remembered.

            Religions do play a large role in getting people to get along.  They have some very sound advise about behavior and conduct.  Perhaps the learned men of the past knew that people as groups, do not or will not believe an idea that causes them to put aside their own needs to help another.  Nobles of the past were to provide food and shelter for their serfs.  Most of these noble families were started by wealthy or powerful people that claimed some rite to the lands.  They got this by force or money or both.  The religions (I believe) sought to gain favor by showing the nobles methods to get the serfs to work more productively.  Thus increasing the noble’s status by increasing wealth.  Since most people believe that the accumulation of items is the measure of status, this worked out well.

            In Egypt, the Pharaoh’s used the same forces to accomplish this.  Then secured it through the enacting of “Birth Rite”.  This enabled them to keep what they had achieved in their family.  The Greeks, Romans, Celts, Turks and all others that I have heard of, used that same tactics. 

            The difference came in what group they used to assist them to keep their power.  A combination of armies controlled by the government and the giving of power and favor to a religion (or in some cases, several religions) that gave them tools to wield.  By telling the populace that their rule is blessed by something larger than their abilities to obtain power, they bought time.  The next step was to get the army to restore or create order and make themselves the focus for decisions.  Then the religions sent their representatives to the people spreading the ideas that the ruling body was just because of a higher power than man was giving them rules that enabled them to live peaceably.  To use this set of conditions, the populace would gain security and a place in humanities history for remembrance.  That to not work within these conditions would mean that you did not fit in with humanity.  You did not deserve the protection of the government and populace.  You are on your own, alone.

            The change from plural to singular in these areas is the key in my opinion.  We get back to the pack mentality of the basic animals we derived from.  Man has never wanted to admit that were an evolved species, that we were what we are studying now.  Humans have their pride.  Humans have their needs.  Humans do not like to be alone.  Humans like to be favored.  Humans like to deflect communal focus in areas where they may be questionable in their conformity.  So they find others that either do not conform or are slightly different.  They focus other humans to this difference.  Since conformity is the social normal, non-conformity is anti-social.  Thus, the now anti-social or non-conformist element becomes the focus.  If the ruling body, religion, or army needs to pull the majority together, now they have their catalyst.  Hence, humans feed the need once again and perpetuate the circle.

            The main point of all this is, think about what drives you.  Why are you doing what you are doing?  Why would another person want your support?  If you think about the basic needs of every person, you will find the answer you seek.

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                Scott N. Smiley

                                                                                                April 23, 2001

2008-12-14 A Foundation of Faith

 

It was in shadows dusky light that reflected through the mists showing me what I needed to see, the beginning. It was in that moment of flaring incandescence that the truth came to me. I knew every thing was connected and we are not alone. The enormity of my ignorance floored me. The humility crushed me. It was then that my faith was formed.  Like in times past when watching the snow swept up against the cliff face and out again to the valley below like some cosmic hand churning the air that I knew I knew nothing. The forces so far beyond my grasp that saying I felt small does not even come close. I.. We are microscopic to such forces. Yet, we forget our fragility in our every day lives. We build mountains of our importance and accomplishments. Yet oh how those mountains crumble and fall at just a shrug from nature. Just how mighty are we....  I missed the point many times before. Not this time, this time I listened. Colors so beautiful that I know my eyes only saw the palest of them. It was a feeling so deep that my very inner core was pulled down and out all at the same time. It was heart wrenching and glorious all a once. Who was I by comparison; in a word, nothing. I know that is why I believe. That power/energy/force/life connected me in just a brief glimpse. A glimpse that calmed me, centered me and offered to heal me if I would just be willing to heal myself. Question is am I able or willing to do so? Thus lay the fault. Not in what was around me, but within myself.  Isn't that one heck of a thing, finding out that my own doubts are the crack. The very impasse to my salvation of soul, calmness of being and centering of life was my own mind. It rocked my very mental bedrock. It still does. One must be willing to live within ones self accepting that self without reservation to be open to what is offered from without. It is for me faith of that offering that gives me the courage to make the leap of self acceptance. Who knew the seemingly short jump could take so long. I jump and re-jump every day. At times I get closer and other times seem to fall back but I keep jumping. I have faith that on the day I clear that chasm within the offering will be there to catch me. I must just keep trying.  When I pondered this writing I came to realize that this is my meaning of life. Why do I keep making the simple so complicated? I do not know, perhaps because I am human.

2008-25-02 Divorce Depression

 

At what point is it time to cry or even die?  I do not know.  Heaviness so suffocating that I cannot stand.  Only hunch and sway under the weight.  Now I cry.  At what point is the effort enough?  At what point is it okay to just be crushed, smothered and surrender to the load?  At what point can I die?  I do not know.  When does society say that is enough?  What is acceptable?  I do not know.  What is the message I send to my child?  Can a parent humbled and bent be a good example?  I do not know.  The thought of this being how I am remembered is unbearable. Now I cry.  I cry in shame.  I cry in frustration.  I cry in pain.  I cry in supplication.  At times I just cry.  Am I weak?  Do I just not have the courage to continue?  How much strength is enough?  What is the measure?  How much can a person bare?  I do not know.  I just cry in frustration at the questions I have no answers to.  I am afraid of the message I send to my daughter.  The rest of the world I really do not care about.  In the singular of my family not the plural I could live at the basest level.  I won’t let my daughter live that way, I cannot.  But how much is enough?  I do not know.  I only know I will cry in pain as I try.  For perhaps trying is the key to the answer.  I will cry in frustration and anger that there is no answer.  I will cry at the world that is that creates this measure.  My muscles ache.  My mind is numb.  My heart is broken.  The string of love that is my daughter is what holds me together.  Small and fine yet strong beyond measure is that string.  The explosion it prevents is greater than any bomb of man.  It is as if the fabric of the world is being contained.  It is that power I also fear.  For without restraint, what would that power do?  I do not know.  I tremble to think what it could do with no care.  With no concern for the outcome a power can do anything.  It will take any risk.  It has nothing to loose.  How much is enough?  I do not know.  For now the tears of love that bind me also hold me in check.  The explosion not released.  The power contained.  All by a single thread that is my daughter.  For her I cry.  What measure will the World ask of her?  I fear the answer.  Now I cry.again.

2015-06-13 When the Demons Come

 

When the Demons come and your Will is undone; look to me; Look to me

 

Fight the Dark and find your heart; look to me; look to me

 

With Foe’s around pulling you down, Look to me; look to me

 

Find your grit in the heart of it; look to me; look to me

 

Within you will find your wherewithal; look to me; look to me

 

Together there is nothing we can’t dissolve; look to me; look to me

 

Climb the wall; your demon wall, look to me; look to me

 

While your sight is masked at the Ball; look to me; look to me

 

A masquerade is just a dance that’s all; look to me; look to me

 

Doff your cloak and let the mask fall close; look to me; look to me

 

See my eyes now your Life’s exposed; look to me; look to me

 

Find your strength in mine, look close; look to me; look to me

 

Let my shield protect your mind and soul against the foul fold; look to me, look to me

 

Now your Demons are bare against my light’s glare; look to me; look to me

 

You are strong untold against enemies bold; look to me; look to me

 

Your Demons will run; Evil is undone!  Look to me; look to me

 

Now together we are one, invincible, honorable, and loved in eyes locked close, look to me; look to me.

 

Now looking at me and I looking at you, we will forever be; because you looked at me.

2016-06-09 Joy Fear Love Fight and Hope

 

JOY

In my heart I feel joy

Joy at the thought of your smile

Joy at your acceptance of my faults

Joy at the love you have promised

Joy at the possible future we may share

FEAR

In my mind I feel fear

Fear that this is an illusion

Fear that a bad of infinite power will come in response to this infinite love

Fear that I will not live up to your expectations

Fear I may fail losing all I have

LOVE

Yet there is love

Love of family

Love of my daughter

Love of you

Love of God

FIGHT

So I will fight

Fight to succeed

Fight to defend

Fight for my daughter

Fight for your love

HOPE

For you are my hope

My salvation

My life

My love

2013-03-31 Faith

 

Faith, the belief in a power, force, deity, person or action that it will prevail no matter what the odds or obstacles.

 

Faith cannot be quantified.  It is not measurable unless it is a pass or fail grade.  It either "is" or "is not".  So why is it important?

 

Faith is part of the Yin and Yang of Life.  It and Hope make one side of the circle.  Doubt (also known as Disbelief) and Despair are the other half.  From these all of human emotions are derived.  Love and Hate, Joy and Sorrow, appreciation and contempt are all derived from those base pairs.

 

Faith is neither positive or negative just as its opposite, Doubt is also neutral.  The Disbelief that something will or will not occur; that others are correct or not; is neither positive or negative.  It is when those aspects are combined with either Hope or Despair when they gain energy. 

 

This is why enemies will always want you to think they will win and you will lose.  Enemies fear their opponents having Faith.  That is why enemies try to crush Hope.  Because an enemy that has Faith that they can prevail and uses Hope to sustain that Faith is almost impossible to beat.  Thus the phrase "...win the hearts and minds..." drives its true power from changing an enemies perception of what to have Faith in.  This is where Integrity comes in.

 

Are you strong enough to stand against Doubt and maintain Faith to keep your Hope alive even when all the forces around you are against you?  If you can then you have Integrity.  Your Faith gives you strength to survive the punishments brought against you by those that do not believe as you do.  The Hope that through your example others will see your Faith to be true. 

 

It is my belief that this is what the history of Jesus is about.  It is about Jesus' Integrity to hold his Faith even when he drank the poison, even when he was whipped, stoned and crucified because of it.  Jesus held the Hope that that would lead others to his Faith.

 

Even if you are not Christian this is relevant and should be celebrated as an act of courage that has rang out through time.  A positive example of how Faith in Hope can change the perceptions of millions.  That is worth more than anything I can think of.  Because the message was one of Love, Tolerance, Acceptance and keeping Faith.  Celebrate it, be inspired by it for that is what He would have wanted.

 

Happy Easter everyone.

2013-06-23 Edges and Courage

 

How does one weigh emotion?  I do not know.  When you have a person threaten your ability to see your daughter in front of her.  Causing her pain and tears.  You know that if you react all you will do is fuel the fire of your attacker and cause the one you hold dearest more pain.  So what do you do?  Do you remind the person that the actions are painful to the child?  I did.  I was also reminded that the person is in Legal control and hinting at using that to reduce my time with her.  When called a liar about how you feel and what you believe to be true in front of her with the person telling her that "I have been holding this in..."  To be told in so many words that my time and efforts are for nothing in front of her.  The person saying that some of the information came from her.  The she says it did not.  The person then says to me as if she was not there that "her story has changed..."  The child clinging to the person crying begging her to stop.  The person not understanding that the child is begging the aggressor to stop attacking the other one she loves.  If I attack back will it make matters worse?  I believe so.  I mention that this was exactly what the courts educational program said not to do.  The person agreed with feral tenacity.  Does seeing this cause me to believe that any further actions will be fruitless?  Yes it does.  All this vehemence because I stated I did not like or respond well to being ordered  to appear.  Perhaps the pervious weekends incident coaled the fire. 

               I wonder if obeying the previous rules then having the person's other come to my car placing it hands in my window, in my face, trying to act the good sportsman who just won a game if there were no hard feelings.  This after my express request and the person's agreement to the rules to prevent conflict.  The other still does this.  So I am polite and honest.  I  am calm and clear in my rejection of this offer and express my feelings toward the other.  No cursing, derogatory or threats of action were used.  Just clear basic common words and a request that the other back away from me.  I have never seen this as a game where "no hard feelings" could be used.  So the others tactless, careless and unthinking action is the impetus, I think so.  Should I have accepted this offer?  No, I do not think so.  I have always held dear the rule of not associating with people who demonstrated lack of character, honor and integrity in my eyes.  In my eyes the person and the other will never be trustworthy or persons whom with I would spend my time again.  Hence the creation of the rules, lack of conflict through lack of contact.  It seemed a prudent course at the time.

               Now I am here.  wondering what to do next.  So, at a loss I asked her what she wanted.  How would she want me to proceed?  She wants an apology from both parties in front of her.  So she can believe and have faith in the person and myself.  I agreed because that trust is more important than  my pride.  I'll be damned if I know how this will turn out.  How much do I sacrifice to demonstrate the greater path?  I guess I know the answer.  I also figure those who truly know me also know my answer,  I will sacrifice everything for her even if I must bleed out all I am and have.  All I can pray for is that one day she will see the person for whom they are and still love them.  That she will see the other in the same light.  That she will then understand me for who I am.  In this, she will learn who she is and what it will take to be herself.