I have been thinking about loss and the past, of regret, of expectations, of realities and truths this evening.  "You can't change the past."  "The past is the past." "Dwelling on the past solves nothing."  "You must let go."  You must move on." Lots of words.  I guess for some easy to do.  Not so much for me.  My father once told me my greatest weakness is my caring heart.  I disagree.  It is my inability to let go.  If I could let go then I would not be hurting from the past now.  It would not fester.  It would not keep bringing me back.  Loss past the "now" would not be a thing.  I envy those that can do that supposedly simple thing.  My heart and/or mind will not work in that way.  I have tried changing it for years.  I have sought guidance.  Professional advice.  Spiritual enlightenment.  While all have valid and in theory perfectly accurate solutions none have stuck and removed this flaw in me.  A flaw in my character?  Mind?  Mental illness?  Sometimes I wonder if this is Hell and death releases you from this reality into the next.  The question I have is does the energy you expend in this life attract repel or propagate in the next?  The energy does not just disappear.  Your compounds break down but the atoms do not.  They can separate and recombine but into what?  That energy that electrifies the mind goes somewhere.  That is your soul in my opinion.  It carries the frequencies and amplitudes that powered your mind long past the minds physical compounds decay recombining into dirt.  That is the where, what and how of what lies beyond physical death that bothers me.  When I die, will this flaw keep me from passing on?  Will that electric force become magnetic holding me?  I don't know.  I certainly don't want to go pass this flaw on to whatever my energy becomes next.  That scares me enough to not want to leave this reality now and keep fighting to defeat/correct/modify this flaw so it is no longer a fear.

In the end I would be a "better" person if I could correct this flaw.  I certainly would be less stressed with other drivers and rude people. That would be a good thing.  "Be like water." Bruce Lee said.  I think he stole that from some more ancient teaching.  "LIsten to the river." from the book Siddartha.  "Go with the flow." I guess would be a more modern reference.  All accurate.  All much easier said than done; at least for me.  

All of this reminds me of the use of the word "average".  Only 1% of 100% is actually average.  The other 99% is either above or below "average".  I hate that word.  A majority range is a more useful use of a statistic.  x% of y is useful for patterning data.  Enough mental BS for today.  I'm tired.  Good night all.